I wanted to give up seriously. That is history though. It has been a rather unmotivated 4 weeks thus far. Since it is mid-term I think it is good to pen down some of my thoughts. The silly me has got emotions running all over me such that I became preoccupied dealing with my sleep debt as well as rationalising myself. It was absurd to say the least. I mean, 8 years ago I was trying so hard to find a school that will accept me so I could pursue somewhere remotely near triple science or better, do triple science itself. I found it after such a tortuous journey, thanks to my alma mater who accepted me. The process was tough but I managed to perservere. Strangely, I think I lost some of this determination as I grew older.
So I thought I wanted to say goodbye to the course altogether. Then my friend asked me, "Do you really dislike the job?" It was then that I realised that I do not dislike the job at all, in fact I think I like the job. The problem with the dislike is with the process to getting the job. So, I spent the whole of 4 weeks and many weeks before that complaining that I am stupid and I knew nothing. I wonder how much saliva I wasted while doing all those complaining. In retrospect, I think by doing that, it really shows how much time I have wasted in doing stupid things.
I was told that it is a life-long committment to hardwork when I decided to take up the course a few years back. And seriously, I wasted my first 2 years. I failed to build up any foundation to begin with. I failed to change my mindset from that of a JC student to one who is already a medical student. I found the easiest way out to pass instead of actively trying to seek knowledge. I failed terribly. Because of this failure in the last 2 years to switch the mindset, I see nothing but reflect on my own stupidity day after day. I was like a squeeze me doll which just repeats, "I am stupid, I am dumb, I am stupid." The truth is, I feel embarrassed when people ask me what course I am doing. I don't know why. I am not primed to say that I am a medical student and after 2 years already in the school and only realising that I am actually one now. I hope is not too late.
Now that I have finally woken up from this vicious cycle, is still not too late to chase up what I missed in the past 2 years. Is going to be harder than the rest who already have some form of a foundation but I have to do it. I am raring to go and I am glad I have friends who are willing to spend time to teach me the basics all over again. I shall be humble and start all over again. And also, seriously I have to thank my tou dais who listened to all those ranting and gave constant consolation and the CG mate who never neglect or ignore me when I was lost in deep slumber. For that, I am glad. I promised E, if I ever have such thoughts again, E will definitely get a treat from me to Crystal Jade Palace. No less.
On a sidenote, my OG celebrated my birthday today even though it was a long belated one. We were all busy duing the actual month and I must say I really enjoyed myself today. Is the kind of enjoyment you get when you smile from deep inside. Thanks for everything.
Oh! Before the dinner, a little embarrassing episode actually happened when we were in the lift. There was another group of 3 girls and a family. I heard someone asked, is it 4th or 5th floor. Thinking that it was someone from my OG, I shouted, 4th floor! To my horror, there was silence and it was actually the group of 3 girls who asked each other. I had no choice but to say sorry profusely and hide behind my friends. haha!!!
To end, now that I have found the root of the problem to the unmotivated self and all ready to change altogether,
